Old Jokes Never Die
by TheUnderStudy
Summary: You live long enough and you begin to hear the same tired joke over and over. As a vampire, you will hear it a lot more than that. Sometimes it gets better when the jokes on you. All Vamp, AU


**A/N: This little one shot is dedicated to ElaineEscalera. Happy Birthday to you! I hear that you have gotten a lot of people reading my fics, especially one Miss NishaaMonster. Tanisha thought you would like a special Emmett/Bella one shot just for you. Best wishes.**

**Thanks to duskri123 for the plot bunny, abbymickey24 & stephlite for the beta job, and SagaDevotee & IansCutie for pre-reading. **

**All things Twilight are the property and ownership of S. Meyers. I make no money from my obsession.**

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><p><strong>Summary: You live long enough and you begin to hear the same tired joke over and over. As a vampire, you will hear it a lot more than that. Sometimes it gets better when the jokes on you. All Vamp, AU, Rated M for language, violence, and sexual content.<strong>

**Old Jokes Never Die**

**BPOV  
><strong>You ever hear that joke about two vampires walking in a bar? Well the middle always changes, but the punch line stays the same: 'And then they drained them.' Here I am, a vampire walking into a bar looking for tonight's meal amongst Seattle's citizens, when another vampire comes in the other entrance at the same time. I immediately start laughing. The other vampire raises his eyebrow at me, but it only makes me laugh louder. The crowd is starting to stare at me as I try to calm myself between the laughs and my very unattractive snorts.

The vampire in question makes his way over to me. I am leaning in the doorway still, finally having controlled my fit of laughter. I size him up and make sure I am not dealing with a normie for once. God forbid I run into another Edward. There is always some young vamp trying to prove that he is my mate, trying to be my beginning and the end. One of those 'Let me slaughter this village in your honor' types. Yeah, I don't need that trouble. This guy _seems_ safe enough.

"Care to share what's so funny shortie?" He teases.

"Hey! That's not nice. Didn't your sire ever teach you to be polite?" I joke back, elbowing him in the side.

"Maybe if she had stuck around long enough she would have," he replies.

There is a hint of sadness in his voice, but he tries to cover it with mild laughter. I feel the urge to wipe that pain away. Also to hunt down this _woman_ that left him to wander alone. So I just shrug and tell him it is her loss. He extends his arm for me and I take it gladly. As soon as our skin touches, my body warms all over. I shiver slightly; relishing this moment. Could this be something more? What many a vampire desires but never finds?

I sit down at the bar and he does the same. I turn to look at him-really look. I had been a witness to this cosmic moment many times. The expression 'Always the bridesmaid never the bride' comes to mind. Many have told me that you just knew… A vampire just knew who their mate was when they saw their eyes. I notice his eyes are covered by similar contact lenses, blocking the red buried underneath. Once I focus, I see it. I know what I had felt earlier is true. Three hundred years waiting and my mate was just a bar entrance away.

The bartender breaks our stare and asks for our order. We both order two fingers of whiskey and laugh. The bartender slides our drinks over to us and we each take a sip. The taste is not so bad. Add in some fresh blood and it's just perfect. I wish it still had the same effect. I am a little nervous. I haven't been this nervous in a long time. I wish I could take the edge off. So I just blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.

"Isabella Swan, 23, Type O positive, 312, Virginia, Puccini, Beatles, Madonna, Eminem, The Civil Wars, chocolate," I let roll out my mouth quickly.

"Care to explain your little list there?" He asks, chuckling deeply. "I know you feel it too. This connection-the pull-between us, so I understand how your mind is running wild. Maybe elaborate a little for me please?" He asks, still laughing at me.

"Oh sorry. I'm Isabella Swan, I was changed at the spinster's age of 23, and I love the taste of O positive. I'm actually 312 years old and am from the Virginia Colonies. I love all those bands and I miss chocolate," I say much slower this time.

I am rewarded by his smile and the sound of my name on his lips. He tells me that his name is Emmett McCarty and he is 25. He was changed during the great depression in New York. He is very young compared to me, but that is just fine. He says that he misses a good steak the most, but some good AB negative will do just the trick. I laugh at this, but he says rare is rare. Emmett is a man of jokes and I don't mind at all. His smile is so alluring and I can't help but to smile in return.

We get refills on our drinks and go back to our conversation. He tells me about his love for 80's hair bands and how _Bitches Brew_ by Miles Davis is the most epic piece of music on vinyl. He sings to me "Earth Angels" by The Penguins and I want to melt in my seat. We are discussing the need for more cowbell and how Jamie Foxx can make a girl want to throw the panties. If I could blush, I would be. If he were to start singing "She Got Her Own" I just might throw my panties to Emmett. _But you're not wearing panties Bella…_

"Another shot, barkeep!" I yell out over the bar.

My mind keeps drifting to the needs of my loins. Mate or not, I'm an old fashioned girl. Woo me first, then you can attempt to make love to me. _That's why you're not wearing panties?_ A vampire has needs. I am not a three hundred and twelve year old virgin. If I could punch my subconscious in the face, now would be that time. It sometimes rears its ugly head when I need some enlightenment. However, I was very keen on having my lady bits pleased with a splash of values leading the way tonight. The bartender hands me another whiskey and I use it to calm my nerves. Well, that's what I tell myself. It will do nothing but settle in my stomach.

I take the moment to dutifully enjoy his body. He stands at an impressive six-five and is rippling in muscles. I imagine him boxing with his friends to keep in shape when he was a human. He has broad shoulders and the venom did not get rid of his wonderful dimples. His curly brown hair is long enough for me to run my fingers through or for me to grip. I try to fight the wetness currently gathering between my legs, but it's too late. _Just had to wear a skirt, huh? _Yes! I just had to wear a skirt. I notice Emmett's eyes darken under his contacts slightly. He closes his eyes for a brief second and inhales. Again, cue my non-existent blush.

We both adjust and continue our conversation as if nothing happened. We both tell our stories of our change, going over the details of our past. I learn that he was seduced by a woman he thought could give him some money. He had lost all of it in some bad investments, but didn't choose death as a way out. He let out a hearty laugh about death being quite eager. Emmett says how he learned the hard way not to get a quick fix. He remembers her long, flowing, blond hair and blood red eyes. He had always seen her with a rose in her hair. She convinced him that one night was all she needed from him. Then she would give him a fortune. After she bedded him, all he could remember was the burn. He woke up with a thirst and it wasn't quenched till he took out a corner of lower Manhattan. Luckily for him, a nomad by the name of Garrett guided him.

"Oh cool, you know Garrett?" I ask, reaching out grabbing his arm.

That feeling of home echoes through me. I don't want to remove my hand and he must feel the same. He covers my hand with his own and gives me that dimpled smile again.

"Well how many nomad vampires who are six feet two, blond hair, and dresses like he walked right out a barefoot version of the revolutionary war do you know?" Emmett asks and I can't help but laugh.

"Oh my god! Yes, that is him," I laugh and Emmett joins me.

We finally get around to his original question as to what I was laughing at when I walked in the bar. I tell him about the old joke that crossed my mind. Emmett's hearty laugh echoes over the bar again and causes several patrons to stare at us. Everyone mostly just looks and turns away, except one couple. Ms. Frizzy Hairdo Gone Nuts and her date for the evening, Mr. I Probably Have A Small Dick, are staring at us with great disgust. _Dinner?_ Oh yes. I will have to check with Emmett, but as I look over at him, I think he will agree. Emmett is busy growling lowly at our on-lookers.

"We are so draining them later," he says lowly. "Now back to what you were saying before we were SO RUDELY INTERRUPTED!" He bellows out that last part just so they could hear.

Emmett and I talk more about our lives. I tell him about growing up in the colonies and how I was changed by a conquistador roaming the area. At the time he went by Juan Ponce de Leon, but now he goes by Aro Volturi. Emmett eyes are about to pop out his head and his mouth is hanging open. I tell him I normally don't spill Aro's beans, but we are mates now. I should be able to tell him anything.

"So how in the hell did Aro come to be?" Emmett asks.

"He was shot by a poisoned arrow when one of his colonies was attacked by the Calusa. They were a Native American tribe that was settled in the area. They didn't take too kindly to Juan's intrusion. He tried to find the fountain of youth, in hopes to save his life. He found it alright. It was actually an ancient vampire by name of Marcus," I reply.

Emmett's mouth is back to hanging open again. Had I known this was the reaction I was going to get, I would have been spilling the beans a long time ago. He teases me relentlessly on my historical knowledge, calling me his favorite geek. I giggle at this and we are caught in each other's stare. Emmett recovers quickly and notices the bar is just about emptying out. He pays the tab on our drinks and extends his hand for mine. I know then that I would follow him anywhere. We make our way outside, into the alleyway and up on the roof. We wait for the two fuckers to come out and make their way to their deaths.

He tells me about the coven he crashes with from time to time. They really don't like his red eyes much, but they welcome him. They call themselves the "vegetarians" of the vampire world. Apparently the youngest of the group has a soft spot for him. She sees him as her big brother. I immediately relax because now I don't have to hunt her down and kill her. These mating instincts are a bit intense and just hearing about another woman near him is making me possessive. Emmett's voice brings me out of my reverie.

"Isabella, do you mind if I kiss you?" He asks, but it doesn't really feel like a question.

It's more like a, 'I'm just giving you a heads up as to what I'm about to do.'

"No, I don't mind. Please…" I respond and my voice is barely a whisper.

He leans into me and brings his hands up to my face. He pulls my face closer to his and gently lays his smoldering lips onto mine. I swear there are sparks and fireworks. His kiss is teasingly slow and I want more of it. I press my lips more into his and am rewarded with a soft moan. I chuckle slightly and he gives me one final press before releasing me. I ask him for more and he says later. I am a little upset that he would torture me so, but the very next sound makes me understand why.

"Oh Mikey, please take me home with you tonight," sluttastic from the bar whines out.

"Not tonight Jessy bear. My wife is in town, remember?" He coos back her.

I look at Emmett and he shakes his head. I tell him Mikey is all mine and he nods, cringing as a whiff of 'Ode de Jessy Bear' makes it way up to us. I almost feel bad for him…almost. We follow the couple for a few blocks before we see our opening. An alley right before the next corner gives us our opportunity. We make our way down and snatch them in before they even realize what happens. Both their necks are snapped and we each dive in to our meal.

Well, well, well… Mikey here is AB negative. Emmett is taking quick sips of whatever kind of special brew Jessy is. She has so many toxins her system, I can't even tell what her blood type. The scent of my meal makes its way to Emmett and he playfully growls at me. Jessy is spent and Emmett is tossing her used body in the dumpster. He is walking slowly over to me and remainder of my meal. His stride is the sexiest fucking thing I have ever seen. I offer him a taste of what's left, but he shakes his head no and watched me finish the last drop. He takes the body from me and throws it into the dumpster. They will be found eventually.

Emmett takes his tongue and traces my lips, cleaning off any remnants of blood. My tongue reaches his and he hisses in pleasure. He pushes me up against the wall and I can hear the brick breaking from our pressure. I can't stop at this moment to care. The building could collapse all around us and I would still be enraptured by his taste. I run my hands up his back, tickling the back of his neck, and settling down in his hair. I grip his hair tightly and bring him closer to me. The blood still lingering in his mouth is mixed with his venom, making it sweeter.

I feel his hand starting to stroke my bare thigh. The feeling is tormenting and enticing all at the same time. He breaks the kiss to look at me and his contacts dissolve in his eyes. I see the brightest red orbs staring back at me and I see forever. While not breaking eye contact, his hand gets closer to the place I need him to be. I am practically dripping in anticipation. We are breathing heavily and we both hold our breath as he reaches my center. His touch is more heated than I am at the moment and I release the breath I was holding.

"Isabella, so wet, so mine," Emmett whispers.

I have no words for him. I simply nod as he begins to rub his fingers over my drenched hole. I am vibrating in ecstasy from his fingers. He slips one finger into me and works it in and out. I am mewling like a cat in heat and I lap continuously at his neck. He adds another finger and is vigorously moving me closer to my climax. His thumb is pressing against my needy bud and I mumble his name. _Close._ So close. I want him. I need him. He is mine. No one will take him from me. His pants are in my ear, begging me to come all over his fingers. I cannot deny my mate and I release all over him. As I fall over, I bite into his neck. Emmett McCarty is mine.

"Fuck Bella," He screams out.

I lick the new wound on his neck closed. My skirt is then quickly pushed further up and I am exposed to him. He bends down and licks my slit. He moans deliciously and calls me his new candy. He turns me around forcefully and pushes me into the wall further. Dust and rubble falls around us and I grip the brick more. I know he is about to take me, so I hold the wall for support. God help this old wall.

His zipper is undone in a flash and I hear his pants fall. I feel his tip at my entrance and I am ravenous. I back up lightly, hoping to feel more of him. He pushes me into the wall more with his free hand, then slides it down to my waist to angle me. He still toys with me, making me beg for him. He doesn't wait any more as he pushes in slowly. I gasp from his size and I spread my legs to allow him a deeper penetration. When he is seated fully inside me, I hold on to the wall harder. I feel it crumbling between my fingers, but the feeling of him making me so full is mind blowing.

"Damn Bella. My Bella. Always my Bella," he sighs from behind me.

Usually I hate it when people call me Bella, but from him it is loved. He lays his head on my back and grabs my hips. I am ready for him to move, so I move forward some. He slides out slowly and I force myself back down on him. We both moan and I repeat my motions. He then takes over, clutching my hips strongly. The sounds of our cries of pleasure and stone meeting stone are echoed through the night. Emmett thrusts harder and harder. I bend back to grasp his neck with one hand and still bracing myself on the wall with the other.

"Bella… Bella… Uhhh…," he moans.

"Yes Emmett! Please, so close," I beg.

"Mine," He growls.

I feel Emmett's teeth in the back of neck. His hard cock begins to spasm inside me, filling me with his venom. I explode around him, joining him in the climax. As I come down, I feel him licking his bite on the back of my neck. We both lean into the wall. Well, me into the wall and Emmett on me. He pulls out from me and I miss it the feeling, growling slightly. He nuzzles my neck and his purr calms me. My growl stops and I enjoy the vibrations coming from his body. I soon join, purring into his chest.

"My legs feel like jello," I whisper.

"I'll carry you Bella. To the ends of the earth, I'll carry you," Emmett utters in soft reverence.

His pants are up and my skirt lowered. He picks me up bridal style and carries me off into the night. I tuck in deeper into his chest and purr. I don't know where he is taking me, but I trust him. I know we are heading west of Seattle. Maybe we were going for a quick swim.

After a few minutes I smell the scents of other vampires and I can't fight the growl in my chest. Emmett calms me and says we are near the coven he stays with from to time. I calm, but keep on alert. Well as much as I can from the safety of his arms. We reach a small cabin and he slings me over his shoulder. I squeal in laughter as he opens the door and places me on my feet. The place is nice, one large room with a fire place as its focal point. The giant fluffy bed is what grabs my attention.

"I want to make love to you Bella. Let me love you," he moans as he begins to kiss me.

We make love through the night and well into the morning. Pretty much the remainder of the week is spent tangled in my sheets, wet in the shower, and even bent over the desk. Right now I am in his arms in total bliss. My naked flesh presses against his and his fingers are tracing up and down my back. I could do this forever, just being with him. I love him and I told him so repeatedly last night. He certainly makes this immortal life worth it. It really didn't matter before him.

"Two vampires walk into a bar and call for the bartender," Emmett starts and I begin to giggle. "'I'll have a glass of blood,' said one," he continued.

"Oh I love this one," I laugh.

"Shush woman," he says as he gives me a mock glare. "'I'll have a glass of plasma', said the other. Then the bartender says, 'Okay. That'll be…one blood and one blood lite.'"

"And then they drained them," I finished and we both burst out laughing.

"Man that joke never gets old," Emmett chuckles.

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><p><strong>AN: Hope you all enjoyed that, especially you Elaine. Have a great birthday and so glad the world didn't end today. Now you can party! Oh and SagaDevotee, happy soon to be birthday to you as well!**


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